Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
