No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Randomize
