I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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