i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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