My Higher Power is John Stamos
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
