a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
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