apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
