He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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