I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
