Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
