I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
