you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize