Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
