If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
