I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
