yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
