Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I think I just sharted jello shots
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
