I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize