remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
