Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
