I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
