508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
