her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I can't put those talents on a resume
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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