shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize