I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
