he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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