I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
