i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
