Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
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