at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
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