I could make wine with my vomit
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
