so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
