i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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