Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize
