then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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