dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
