The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
