Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I think i peed on brittanys purse
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
