You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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