I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
