The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize