After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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