I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
