the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Randomize