Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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