I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
