my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
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