I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
