don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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