New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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