Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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