Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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