i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I am in a vortex of obligation.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize