I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
