I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
