I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize