i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
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