The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
